Article by BR Natalie
Dear Readers, I have a confession. I hail from The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Yes, the First Lady of Beauty Review is a pom.
Now let's be honest, although in terms of distance NZ and GB are pretty much as far from each other as you can get, we're pretty similar in a lot of ways - we could survive without a guide book right? Well yes. And a resounding no. We differ in the little things, that are ingrained in us from birth - our national identity which is made up of quirky idioms, absolute truths and mind boggling beliefs.
There's nothing like being married to a Kiwi bloke and raising a Piwi child to bring out nationality clashes on a daily basis. Yo-gert? I think you mean yog-ut. Add to that the fact that everyday I write articles on a website viewed by thousands of Kiwi women, I respond to countless emails from said Kiwi women and I work for the unofficial Queen. Never have I been more aware of my innate Britishness than during my time as an expat. So I urge you to do as I do - sit down with your 8th cuppa of the day and relish in the quirk that is, the Englishwoman in New Zealand.
Misunderstanding my politeness.
The Canadians may have stolen the title for the most polite nation, but we Brits are still proud to be polite. Even when we're being sarky, we do it politely. And rather confusingly, our manners are in fact a code. We say what we should, but both parties understand what is actually meant. If both parties are English that is.
For the first 3 years in New Zealand I was miffed by people not sticking to the code, until The Mummy and I saw the light - this is not an international code. Here's a few examples;
| What I Say | Translation |
| No, no, it's not a problem at all. |
It's not only a problem, it's rightly putting me out too. |
| Pop round anytime. |
Do not attempt to cross my threshold unless expressly invited with a date and time. |
| Ah, just when you can. |
Do it now. Right now. |
| I'm just nipping to the shop, do you need ought? |
I'm only offering because it's polite. Now you politely say no thank you. |
| Really? That's so cool. | Really? That's what you stopped me to say? Stop talking. |
| Hmm, you're in a pickle aren't you? | How the heck did you get yourself into this mess? No seriously, I don't think you're going to get out alive. |
| Ah, I might join you later. |
My bra is already off. I ain't going nowhere but to the kettle (not jug!) and back to the sofa. |
| Not too bad thanks. | I'm fizzing and bursting with happiness! |
| Could be worse. | Things are as bad as they get. Time to put the kettle on. |
| I'm parched. Do you mind if I get a water? | Please offer me a cup of tea, I'm about to go into withdrawal, it's been an hour since my last cup. |
| I'd love a cuppa, if you don't mind. Thank you. | What took you so long, it's so awkward paying a visit and chatting without a cuppa to fill the conversation gaps. |
| You've caught the sun. | You look like a tomato with hair. Please wear sunscreen. Please. |
You know when you're in trouble...
As an Englishwoman if I don't like someone I obviously can't say it. Good heavens, what would they think of me? I can of course drop polite and subtle hints that I am greatly annoyed, but even then I'll still deny being annoyed.
- Ending an email with simply - thanks. You don't know that I've obsessed for 20 minutes if the situation calls for such shortness. You also probably don't understand but this is pretty much me smiting you. Consider yourself burned.
- Muttering 'you're welcome' under my breath when you don't say thank you. I'm plotting all the ways I can exact my revenge, without you knowing. Because it would be awkward for us both if you knew.
Things I can't stop saying, even though they just don't fit here:
- Bank Holiday - Public holiday
- Tuppence - Two Cents
- On Offer - On special
Jolly sportin' old chap.
Coming from a land where 'world cup' is never followed by 'winners' I've embraced the sporting pride in New Zealand. Well by embraced I mean I love watching an All Blacks game, because well, the thighs on that team. Grrrr.
And yet, despite my enthusiasm I've managed to make a right plonker of myself when it comes to the All Blacks.
Embarrassing moment 1 - While working as a barista I took a takeaway order from a nodescript man, and asked what name I could write on it. He looks at me, almost insulted and mumbles "Dan", before awkwardly handing over cash. What's his problem right? The barista next to me asks "Did you just ask Dan Carter his name?". "What is he famous or something?" "Erm, google Dan Carter, Jockeys". Touche.
Embarrassing moment 2 - Ok, if you watch Coronation Street you'll know certain English people don't like the letter 't'. We omit from words where it's just not necessary. Water becomes 'war-ah' , Martin becomes 'mar-in' and butter becomes 'buh-ah'. So when told in a group of my hubby's friends that 'poms no nothing about rugby, bet you can't even name one player of the All Blacks', I confidently answer, "I can name at least three. Ritchie Macaw (man the thighs on that) , Dan Carter (ahem) and Martin Nonu". They still mock me two years later.
Some of the more confusing New Zealand idioms.
She'll be right - where did this come from? Who was the orginal 'she'?
A box of fluffies - just the cutest way of saying you're feeling great. (That is what you're saying right?!)
Jandal - I get it, it's a Japanese sandal. So are English flip flops enip enops?
Sweet - does it mean good? Is it a term of agreement? Is it sugary?
Ay - sticking ay at the end of a sentence is like using a question mark ay.
Some of my favourite things about New Zealand.
Outrageous Fortune - bring it back!!
Pinkys - even when they're all smushed on the wrapper. Working for it makes it even sweeter!
The birds - the names are cute, the birds are even cuter! Kiwi. Pukeko. Fantail.
You're never far from the beach. When I was a kid, we used to go to the seaside. Google Skegness Beach and you'll see why I love the beaches here!
So there we have it - the random thoughts that come to mind when I think about being English in New Zealand. Are any of you expats? What do you love about New Zealand? Do you find yourself misunderstood often because you're stuck in your English ways? Or maybe, you're like the Beauty Crew and are struggling to understand what an English co-worker is on about?
Get chatting below!
Lest We Forget.
11.11.18
"Piwi" still has me laughing!! I enjoyed reading this I've even convinced myself that I can do a British accent after practicing 'water, Martin and butter' omitting the 't' out loud haha.
One of my besties is a Taffy (Welsh) and to this day we continue to argue about how to pronounce "ten" and "tooth". She says (what sounds to me like) tan and tooh and I say (what sounds like to her) tin and toothe (yes she really thinks so).
Awesome read!