NBR - Can anyone help me?!

I wouldn't normally post about my very personal life but I am out of options!  Do any of you lovelies have experience with being an adult child with parents who divorced?  I am in a slightly different predicament than just that.  My dad is with my mums sister (immoral I know)  and I literally H word her.  Now what I want to know is there anyone that can tell me how you got past the hurt or if there are support places for this kind of thing?  Counselling and psychologists have been there done that, I need something different than.....so how does that make you feel!  If this is not ok BR feel free to delete.  Thanks in advance. xxx

You're allowed to feel betrayed and hurt. You're allowed to hate her. But decide how much of that negative emotion to prioritise.

I HATE HER!!!! I WISH SHE WASN'T IN MY LIFE. Can easily become "I hate her! I'm so glad Dad didn't do this when I was a kid, imagine having to LIVE with her!'

It's not a betrayal of your Mum to decide to find a way to maintain a relationship with your dad even though you don't like his choices. It's not a betrayal of yourself to ignore some of the behaviours and try to focus on what you want out of your relationship with your Dad.

It's okay to have this evolve and to not get it right all the time.

It's a great idea to have an outlet for your hatred and frustration - write it down and burn it, perhaps. Have someone who you can complain to who knows you're just letting off steam and WON'T share with your parents/family what you've said.

And accept that this is a grownup making a decision you don't understand or like, that you can't control - but you can choose how much you let it affect you. You can't choose how you feel but you can choose to actively try and react to those feelings in a way that causes you less stress.

I hope that helps (and makes sense) xx

It makes perfect sense thanks Trudi.  I love your advice but I have no idea how to react differently.  I have written countless letters to her (but never intend on sending them) and I burn them.  I have spoken to them and all that gets me is 'I'm really disappointed in you'.  I wish my heart would move on but I just can't.  It's been a long while and the pain is still as raw now as it was then.  I am so lost.  Feeling silly for letting this out on a forum urgh

perhaps look at it how you've dealt in the past with grief, or breakups. Maybe don't expect yourself to let it go, but more just to live with it and not let it get in the way. I know in the past when I've had powerful negative emotion to deal with breaking things down into chunks, and letting myself have moments have really helped. 'I need to cry, so I'm going to have a great cry for 10-15 mins, then I'm going to re-do my makeup and go shopping/out for a drink/to the beach for a walk' etc. Acknowledge the presence of the emotion and give it space to vent, then turn your next move into a positive one until you can go straight to the positive without needing to give the negative time to take control. That's pretty much what i did coming out of depression and withdrawal from antidepressants, and the technique I'm using to deal with the death of my father and the aftermath of watching someone die. I detest the phrase 'I choose how I feel and today I choose happy'. I prefer 'I choose which emotions I let control my life, but I choose to feel them all as part of living'

Also the 'trio of blessings' concept can help. Okay, so you hate your dad's partner. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed with negatives about her, go to a trio of positive thoughts. 'OMG SHE'S SUCH A *** but Dad is looking well, I love their new curtains, and the cat is really cute how she cuddles up to me and Dad but avoids 'her' etc

What a sucky place to be! Firstly, I think you should allow yourself to hate the decisions both of them have made. Get specific. that might allow you to then look at other specifics which you can love. See those.
Also, remember that these people are people. Yes they are your dad, and your Aunt, but they are people, and people make mistakes. We dont have to like every person - even family.

As for progress, I would try to explain to your dad, that you do want to spend time with him, but you are struggling to accept these decisions and so if possible could you just spend time without his partner? you could also explain further that this may not last forever, but would give you time to come to terms with the choices he has made.
It may be that there is another underlying concern, you might have, which you are not consious of and re-establishing your own relationship with him, on your own may reasure your subconsious.

what ever you do, I wish you all the best.

Hi Shana, aww beautiful, my heart is aching reading your post, you poor darlin, first of all sending lots of hugs your way.

Trudi and Qweenkaren have made a lot of very valid points. You are allowed to hate her, just dont let this consume all of your thoughts and your wonderful energy babe. I have had to deal with something kind of similar nearly 10 years ago and to this day I still have raw days . I found having someone close who understood my pain helped immensly, it was my sister and since she was going through it too we basically vented out our frustrations and things we couldnt control out into the open to air. I used to keep empty books to write everything I felt inside and then I would burn them (similar to your letters) My sister found installing a punching bag in her home was theraputic for her and she would bash it every time she needed to.

Im so sorry about your situation hun, this is such a tough situation, sending you all the love in the world <3 xxx

Oh Shana I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.Families are certainly complicated aren't they? I'm going to swim against the tide here a bit, but I'm wondering if you would feel more free and empowered if you just put some distance between yourself and them for a while? They're on their journey and they're entitled to that, but you don't have to exhaust yourself trying to row with them in  their waka when you could be in your own, going in your own direction with your people who value you? Your parents and aunt will, or will not, find their way back to you in their own time, if that's whats meant to be.Like Qweenkaren said, they're just people doing what people do, unfortunately. I hope you find a solution that works for you xxx

Hey Shana,

Im in a similar situation right now currently impacting on my family life. I've chosen to walk away from this person for a while. While I'm walking away Im working on healing myself and family. When I feel like Im in a stronger place I will be ready to accept this person and their ways without causing conflict. 

Some lovely suggestions here. I wish the all best for whatever you decide xxx

Shana how perfectly sucky for you. The entire situation sounds awful to my ears and is more than likely worse in real life. I did read an article about adult children adapting to parental divorce once in the Herald but it didn't cover this situation.

While I haven't been in your situation, mine was my dad and aunt together within a week of burying my mum. It lasted about 2-3 years with them. Other girlfriends have come and gone since but the current one is the worst. Kayne West's song is right on the money for her.
The result is I have barely spoken to my father in 8 years, it's probably made it more peaceful to be honest , if my brother wants to speak with our dad he calls his mobile so he doesn't speak to "her" since she hangs up the phone on him. I get crap from friends with "spoken to your father recently?" but brush it off, their lives aren't perfect either.
Before you ask, yes I can hold a grudge well just like my father, I'm at 8 years he didn't talk to his mum (walked out and divorce) for more than double mine and it was my mum that got in contact to mend that bridge.

They can say they "are disappointed in you" but be pretty sure if their parents did/done the same thing, they would be feeling the same things you feel. Also importantly you have the right to be disappointed with them for their behaviour. Most normally look up to their parents and follow their guidance, you have a right to feel betrayed for the situation. You have the right to feel hurt. Don't let them minimize your feelings. It is possible that if they actually acknowledged what you are feeling over the situation that would assist with the acceptance of it. Please note I said accept, it doesn't mean you have to like.

At the end of the day though blood is thicker than water and if something happened to my dad I would be there quick smart but by keeping my distance I am keeping me. I try and find happiness/enjoyment in other things so I don't dwell on it and become bitter and twisted like "her"

Thats a real tough situation, families are complicated enough at the best of times, sorry you are hurting this way ((hugs)). This must have a huge ripple effect on your whole family, how does your mum and extended family feel about it, and have you talked to them to see if they feel the same? Im guessing your Dad knows how you feel and if so have you spoken to him? I have a lot of resentment from my childhood that Im not sure I will ever 'get over', different for what you are facing but still something that sits there deep in my soul. It sure can eat you up inside if you dont talk about it or let people you trust know how you feel. Also an option could be reading some books that relate to this? Surrounding yourself with more positive people than negative can have a huge impact on mental mindset too. I wish I could be more help, you are brave for sharing and reaching out, just know us BR ladies are always here xx

I am sorry it took me so long to reply to all your lovely messages.  First of all thank you for all your care and for taking the time to help me.  To answer a couple questions......yes I have spoken to them to try and come to a place where we can move forward but I get shutdown and told I am an adult and should get over it.  Like I understand that they're adults and it is the decision they made to be happy but it in no way dwarfs the hurt it creates.  My mama dislikes it alot but she is a peacekeeper and prefers to have her sister and my dad in her life rather than hold on to hate.  Perhaps I can take a leaf out of her book but maaaan I don't know if I have the capacity for that!  I think I will google some support groups for this because surely I am not the only adult that feels anger or hurt about parents divorcing.  Anyways thank you all again for your messages.  I knew this community would come through and be there when I needed them most :D xxx

Shana I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope things work out.